What Not To Say To Grieving Friends

Last week I read a Facebook post by Kay Warren, where she wrote about the subtle and not-so-subtle pressure she's been feeling from people to be moving along in grieving her son, Matthew. The not-so-veiled message she's gotten is that she be "over it." When are you coming back? friends ask her, not comprehending that life will never return to what it used to be for Rick and Kay Warren or their family.My friend, Rivka, also wrote in her blog about similar conversations she's had since the death of her son. "So why are you having a hard time?" those uninitiated in grief ask. Or, "why are you having a hard day?"I've written about this subject in a previous post here, but I think it's time for a refresher. And full disclosure--this is high on my radar especially in light of the upcoming third anniversary of my own daughter Annie's death on March 25th. Odd how these examples are coming to my attention this week. So let's consider the questions Kay and Rivka heard: when are you coming back?, why are you having a hard day? why are you having a hard time? Are they honest questions, or are the questioners subconsciously wishing the grieving mothers would just snap out of it and be happy already? I don't know the motives, but let's face it, being around sad people isn't easy. It brings us down. We don't know what to do with their feelings and darn it--why won't it just go away?Sadly, one of the most effective ways to know what helps a grieving person is through personal experience. If you've suffered a loss, you know what it feels like and what helps. Yesterday as I was watching the news about the helicopter crash here in Seattle, I thought that one effect this tragedy will have on the KOMO news staff is they'll have an even greater empathy with trauma survivors. Their reporting will have a depth, compassion and sensitivity that they simply couldn't learn in a...blogpost. And this, on top of having recently lost another coworker, Kathy Goertzen. They know, they feel, they empathize because they have grieved. Our prayers are with them as they mourn the horrific loss of their friends.But personal experience with grief isn't a requirement to help those who grieve. What is required is a willingness to see things through the eyes of our friends who are grieving. This might include facing our own fears about death and grief. Are we afraid to walk through the valley with them? Are we impatient with the seeming unendingness of grief? Do we want to skip over sadness and get our friend back to their happy, carefree self again? I think that's why friends sometimes drift away--it requires faith and patience to be near to those whose hearts are broken.Maybe we need to change our culture of rushing through grief--as if the faster we get through talking about it the less it will touch us. Why do we eschew memorial services--no services at their request--why do we hurry through the grief part of the service and get on with celebrating their life, and say things like life is for the living? These things may be true--but how much of it is driven by our personal discomfort with death and grief?Think about social media--where faking it is the norm. One convenient way to avoid discussing grief is to only have a "Like" button. How can you "like" grief? No, social media is where you like stuff. Like perfect parent photo ops, Pinterest-worthy decorating, and tanned trips to Maui. Because the truth of the matter is, we don't like to read posts that don't have a happy endings. So we subtly pressure our mourning friends to get back to normal. But they can't conjure up normal. Normal is buried somewhere under a stone with their loved one's name on it.There is hope, however.If you want to see your grieving friends through a different lens, try changing your perspective instead of pressuring them to change theirs.Here are some ideas:1. The Bible says to weep with those who weep. Newsflash to all of us in the Western world: mourning is not a sin. So let's not guilt our friends into putting on a happy face for us. Let's pull up a chair and sit with them in their grief, matching our attitudes to theirs.2. If we've never experienced their particular loss, let's not push our arbitrary timeline on them as to when they should be over it. And while we're at it, let's dispel the myth that anyone ever "gets over" the loss of a loved one. That said, each loss is unique. Let me tell you that although I've lost a child, I don't know the grief of a woman who has miscarried a baby. I don't know the grief of a woman who struggles with infertility and mourns the loss of babies she will never hold. I don't know the grief of a widow. Every heart has its own pain. And as caring friends, we need to allow--make space for--encourage--our friends to freely express their grief. When they have moments of laughter, enjoy it, but let's not be shocked when next week another wave of sadness has sucked them under again.3. Be generous. Be generous with your time, your gifts of gardening, cooking up chicken pot pie, writing letters, and listening ears. Email your friend and tell them you're thinking of them--six days, six months, and six years after they've lost their loved one.4. This is the most important thing in the whole list, so read this seven times slowly. Talk.about.their.loved.one. Say their name. Recite happy memories out loud. And then sit there and listen while your friend shares their memories. Don't be afraid of their tears. Listen. Again and again.You will be a huge blessing for your friend. So how about you? What helps you empathize with grieving friends?If you're the griever, have you felt pressure to fake it with impatient people?What is one thing someone has done to help you?