My Two Lost Babies--Reflections on Miscarriage

As grief is a regular topic on this blog, I recently asked my niece, Sharon, if she would share her experiences of her two miscarriages, and the impact these little lives had on her, her marriage, her children, and her faith in God.

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When Jean asked me to write this, I hadn’t given a lot of recent thought to my two children in heaven.  At this point in my life I am trying to nurture a strong, healthy marriage, raise three young children, work a full-time job and a part-time job, and keep my house relatively clean. So most of my energy and thought goes to what is here and now, right in front of my face.Reflecting on my experience of losing two children through miscarriage, I see both experiences were very similar. The major difference was the second miscarriage was understood by our oldest son in a more profound way than our toddler at the time. Even today, four years since the last miscarriage, my son, Joey, will talk about the sibling he never had the chance to meet. He asks if that baby is okay in heaven. I reassure him that God is taking care of that life because God loves all of His people. At times, I think it's hard for his mind to fully comprehend how a baby can be okay without the presence of his or her parents. I know Joey's thoughts about his sibling will remain with him for his entire life.Every person, from the moment of conception, has a purpose and is part of God’s larger plan. I like to think I understand why those two children were gifted to us for approximately eight weeks.  I believe their purposes were two-fold:

My miscarriages brought my husband and me closer together.

There is an obvious closeness between a husband and a wife when creating life.  There is also a closeness that occurs when the life you created together passes away.  We both dealt with the loss very differently.  At first Andrew seemed very angry.  I think he believed it was the fault of someone else.  Once the initial shock and anger wore off he was very quiet.Andrew nurtured my physical needs of the miscarriage.  He didn't know how to respond to my emotional needs and that's okay.  Even so, our marriage became stronger because Andrew and I found ourselves in a situation where our raw feelings and inner selves emerged.  We learned to be gentle and compassionate to each other. We learned to pull together as one unit to provide strength and love to our surviving children. Therefore, I truly believe those two children helped strengthen our marriage and family in a positive way.For me, my emotional needs were as significant as physical needs. Since Andrew cared for my physical needs, I allowed two ladies to help me emotionally,  my mother and my sister-in-law.  Each person in my life had a different role to play and each one of them was important. No one person could have helped me completely.I also had the extended support of my church family. Some of those people had similar experiences and provided the support that helped them when they were in need. Not everyone had first-hand knowledge of miscarriage, but even those people were instrumental in my healing because I knew what they said and did was to help me.  Their intentions were only good. I appreciated and loved them even more for having the courage to reach out to me.

My miscarriages helped me appreciate my children here on earth.

I have a deeper understanding for just how fragile life can be. For me, it’s hard to imagine who those two kids would have been.  It’s also hard to think about my life without Joey, Jacob, and Allison. I try to find the positive side in all my situations regardless of how difficult they may be at the time. If I dwelled on the miscarriages and wished they hadn’t occurred, I would be, in a sense, wishing away my three children who did survive.My two lost babies were not sent here for only me.  They were sent here for the sake of my marriage and my other children.  I have to know that God’s purpose reigns supreme to all of my wishes and desires.  I have to trust completely that His plan is perfect even during times when my journey is dark. During those dark times, I quietly let Him speak to my heart and give me comfort and peace.To the very core of my being, I know that my miscarriages of September 2007 and January 2010 were not the end of life.  It was the beginning of eternal life for two people I look forward to meeting when my time on earth is complete.

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One thing that strikes me about Sharon's story is how she graciously received the help that people gave, not having unrealistic expectations of anyone. She is an example to me, that's for sure.

How about you? Is miscarriage a part of your story? How has your loss changed you?