Control Freak Gatekeeping is Hazardous to your Health
A gatekeeper is someone with the primary responsibility of the physical well-being of someone else. Gatekeepers decide:1. what happens when2. with whom, and3. if it should happen at allGatekeepers decide when the diaper gets changed, who changes the diaper and what diapers to use. A gatekeeper is the primary caregiver. A gatekeeper is often simply a mom or dad, a wife, a husband, an adult child.Gatekeeping can be good, in that the person being cared for enjoys continuity of care.But it also can be hazardous to the health of the gatekeeper, and potentially the one being cared for, if the gatekeeper never gets—or receives—help.The biggest risk to gatekeepers?Burnout. Burnout that looks like impatience, anger, frustration, depression, grumpiness…all the things I can identify in everyone but myself.Caregiving, whether you’re a mom of young children or the caregiver of an older child or family member, requires help. Lots of help. Caregiving does actually require a village, as much as I loathe that phrase.Why don't we gatekeepers get or receive help, or respite?Well--sometimes it's because we think we can do it better than anyone else. Duh. (Does this sound familiar or am I the only one that thinks these evil thoughts?)How to know if you're an overthetop gatekeeper who needs to bring it down a notch? Here ya go:You might be a control-freak gatekeeper if
- You're a mom of toddlers, and don't get a babysitter because well, what if they forget to cut the crusts off your kid's peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
- You don't get a respite care worker because there might be an earthquake, and you wouldn't get home in time to give the evening dose.
- You feel guilty for enjoying two hours of lower blood pressure.
- It's easier to stay home than clean up the mess your less-than-perfect help leaves behind.
Let me challenge you to take a break anyway. Why? Because it's good for you, and it's good for your loved one who may just be as sick of you as you are of them. Look--if your loved one is safe, and I'm not talking about putting anyone in harm's way, just GO AWAY.For you young mothers, it means that when your husband takes care of the baby and the diaper gets put on backwards, don’t make a big deal of it. Who says Elmo has to go in the front anyway?When the kids eat chocolate cake for breakfast, wear their Halloween costumes to the grocery store, and stay up past their bedtime, say thank you to your awesome husband for giving the kids a break from your boringalwaysfollowingtherules self. I’m drawing some admittedly sexist conclusions. But if the shoe fits, wear it.For the love of everyone, get help.If you’re a caregiver to someone who is sick, disabled or somehow not able to be alone, make it your highest goal this week to line up respite care. Do not be a martyr and sacrifice your sanity, marriage and gym membership. Find someone to help you.I know how hard this is.Although we qualified for state respite care for Annie, we did not get state respite care. We were on the eternal list of families waiting for it. In fact, Annie died before our number was called.So Bill and my older children gave me breaks. This was one of the perks of having a herd of children. Honestly, they saved my sanctification on more than one occasion. Sometimes, we would hire an RN to come and stay with Annie. We also had awesome friends who would come and sit with her in one room while I did laundrygardeningcooking somewhere else. One way or another, respite care was a priority, because I prefer to be safe and sane. And the truth is, God provided it.Accept imperfect help.Was the help I got always perfect? Of course not. G-tubes got pulled out, bed hair was wheeled into Sunday School, teeth didn’t get brushed. But all of Annie’s medicines were duly administered, and we all benefitted because we enjoyed a break from each other. And let’s be honest—it was never perfect when I took care of her. Gasp. And it’s never perfect when you’re doing it either.Perfection isn’t the goal. Going the distance is the goal. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.My friend Andrea got excellent respite care for her husband who struggled with ALS for five years. Huge lifesaver, she'd tell you. Was she a gatekeeper? Well, if she was at the beginning, she broke herself of that habit early on. Did she get burned out? Heck yeah. But she got the caregiving help she needed to make it through.So do everyone a favor and get respite care somehow, someway. And thank the people who step up to help, however imperfectly.