Unequally Yoked—but Happily Married: Secrets to successful marriage when you disagree on spiritual matters

My friend, Gretchen, who blogs at Jewels in My Crown Someday, is my idea of a 1 Peter 3 wife--a woman who loves and respects her husband, even though they disagree on spiritual matters. I'm sure she will challenge you as she does me:My name is Gretchen, and tomorrow, I'll be celebrating my 22nd wedding anniversary to the most wonderful man on the planet.  I'm not kidding.  He is a doting, amazing father.  He is an incredible provider.  He is my boyfriend, lover, best friend, and confidant.  He is faithful, wise, patient and kind. However, at this time, he does not walk with Jesus.  Some would call him a non-believer (in Christ).  I prefer the term pre-believer, because as long as he's alive, God can change His heart.Jean asked me to write about being a "1 Peter 3 wife," since D and I have a great marriage, but are unequally yoked, as they say in Christianese.  That just means that one of us is a Christ-follower, and one is not.  I'll do my best to share a few tidbits which have helped us keep our relationship healthy, and will also share how I see God's fingerprints all over our marriage and family.1 Peter 3:1-2 says the following:  "In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives." It's taken me a long time to become a 1 Peter 3 wife--and I'm still running the race and stumbling each day as I endeavor towards that end.  But God is so faithful.  Every micro-step I take in faith is repaid manifold in His palpable, practical, undeniable grace.  I lived in fear and anger for a while--fearful that my husband wouldn't go to heaven, and angry that he had this amazing gift right in front of him and wouldn't open it to save his life (literally!).  I was also angry at times because it seemed as if responsibility for raising our children in faith fell on my shoulders, alone.  I might've even been resentful a time or two, as I struggled to get two children and myself to church on time on a Sunday while my husband was working out at the gym or meeting a friend for a golf date.Anne Graham Lotz (daughter of Billy Graham) once spoke at a conference I attended, and she noted, quite transparently, that at one time she fell out of love with her husband.  She noted that she just knelt on the kitchen floor in despair, and asked God what to do.  She said that God told her to work on her relationship with Him (God), and that her relationship with her husband would take care of itself.  As soon as she focused on God's love for her and His ability to be everything she needed, things drastically improved with her husband.  While I hadn't fallen out of love with D, I had become quite frustrated and lonely, and thought this advice would apply to me, as well.  So, that's where I started.  I fell in love with God.  What does that look like?  Well, for me, it looked like going to church regularly, reading and studying His word regularly, and starting to pray regularly--not only for my husband, but for everything.God slowly peeled away the layers of resentment and despair, and showed me that He was bigger than my worries.  In addition to the pearl of wisdom from Anne Graham Lotz, He gave me two pieces of great advice, one from an elder and his wife, and one from a dear friend, who happens to be my pastor.  The first tip:  Treat your husband like he's already saved.  In other words act like a godly wife would act to the godly leader of her family.  Hold nothing back (as you might from someone who wasn't on the same wave length).The second bit of advice was pointed out to me in Scripture, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 states, "Now, I will speak to the rest of you, though I do not have a direct command from the Lord. If a Christian man[c] has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to continue living with him, he must not leave her. And if a Christian woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to continue living with her, she must not leave him. For the Christian wife brings holiness to her marriage, and the Christian husband[d] brings holiness to his marriage. Otherwise, your children would not be holy, but now they are holy. (But if the husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife[e] is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you[f] to live in peace.) Don’t you wives realize that your husbands might be saved because of you? And don’t you husbands realize that your wives might be saved because of you?"In other words, if you have a good relationship (and we did), stay with it, and keep honoring God.  The example of honoring God won't be lost on your spouse. With the aforementioned in mind, I try to do the following:

• Live transparently, especially as it relates to church and my friends/activities there.  I always ask D if it would be okay with him if I______.  I have sometimes had to wait for, or forego an activity altogether, but when I have participated, I have been confident in my husband's full support.  He has nothing to fear or feel threatened by because I tell him everything.  In fact, I even told him I was writing this post, and asked him how he felt about it.  Interestingly, (God's fingerprints) he was fine with it, and said that he feels like we have a great marriage because we are kind to each other and support each other despite whether we agree fully with one another or not.  Because of this transparency, God has blessed me with a spouse who helps me run my kids to church functions, who supports my singing in the choir, and best of all...who has started hanging out with some of my friends from church.
• Invite him to church, but only on occasion.  Let's face it: I'd love it if D came to church every day.  But not under duress, because I want to honor and worship God and not worry about what my husband is thinking during a church service--this is not a scene I want to be a part of.  I struggle with this at times, but usually, I'm able to remember that God is God, and that his relationship with D is between them.  God waited for me to welcome Him into my life, and now He's extending the same courtesy to D. My husband knows that I want him to walk with Jesus.  And I know that he's not ready.  Pushing, cajoling and nagging won't help.
• Park my brain in a positive space, and in a space of contentment with what God has given.  It's hard to go to church alone; to want to be in a home group with couples and to realize that this is probably years away from happening.  BUT...when my daughter comes to her dad for advice about a bully, I hear him speak of giving grace to the other kid.  When my son is diving headlong into despair because of issues in his life, I see my husband faithfully talk about my son's feelings, and be the friend to him that he doesn't yet have in peer form.  When I tell my husband of my heart's desire to adopt a child internationally because I can hardly bear to hear about the sex trafficking and hunger and war which wreaks havoc on our world's children, he stands with me in solidarity.  How can I possibly deny that this is God's touch upon his heart and upon our family?!

Thank you, Jean, for the opportunity to share a bit of my story.  If anyone has any questions, please comment, and Jean will get my contact information to you.Soli Deo Gloria!Gretchen