Life after Loss--Cindy's story

My friend, Cindy, and I sat down at the Maltby Cafe this morning, and we talked about what life is like for her now, after the recent death of her husband, Mike. None of us plan for the sudden passing of a spouse--by definition it's a surprise, and with it brings an end to everything you know as "normal."Cindy, how are things going, here five months after Mike has been gone?You know, I don't think our society allows for real grieving. In some cultures, there is a time set aside for grieving--you wear all black, you separate yourself. Even in the Bible it speaks of times of mourning, (e.g. Genesis 50:3, 2 Samuel 11:27). But in our culture--not so much.It's this weird feeling that an extension of yourself is gone--like an amputation. And like an amputation, you have phantom pain--the person is gone, and what is left is pain. But I still feel like a couple. It hits me when walking into someplace where I know he would've been with me. Like the first time I walked up the steps to the door of my home group. The minute the door opened, I started bawling.What do you remember about the time right after he died--what helped the most?The things people did--all the unrequested needs that were met. The night he died, my neighbor helped me make calls. Pastor Steve came over. My friend, Margo, the whole staff (at the church where Cindy works), elders, my girls--everyone came over, and stayed all night long. The next day, the group of ladies who came and did yard work, the people who brought food...it was this knowledge that I was loved and that I wouldn't be doing this alone. People just stepped up.I would agree from our experience with the loss of Annie--when people just did practical things without being asked--it was huge.Something else that helped was a comment my brother made shortly after Mike died. He said, 'Okay, everyday when you get up, you get to choose how to live your life.' So every morning I read a prayer on my mirror about "Choosing Joy." It's a conscious decision, and some days are harder than others. But I know that God gives us breath to live, and I want to live my life in a way that honors God and honors Mike.I have to say, though, the holidays have been hard. November 4th was our anniversary. December 13th was his birthday. And New Year's Eve is a "couples" thing--I'm not looking forward to that.What would you recommend to anyone whose friend has suffered a loss?Depending on whether that friend is surrounded by people or is more isolated, I'd think twice about sending flowers. If you know no one is sending them flowers, send flowers. But if they have a wide group of friends who are all sending flowers, consider sending them a gift certificate for a spa day, or some other service, and send it two months after the funeral is over--after the crowd is gone and the person is feeling alone and maybe depressed.Also--just go over to the person's house and do something--don't ask them to call you if they need anything, rather call them and find out what they need, because sometimes it's just hard for them to ask.Cindy, with what you've learned, what advice would you give to a person who's newly bereaved?Realize that to the extent you've loved someone, you will grieve them. Your depth of grief is a reflection of the depth of love you had for them. So don't let anything stand in the way of your time to grieve. Also realize that at some point joy and pain co-mingle and exist together. And it will always be that way.The truth is, you have to come to grips with the fact that your loved one is gone. But life is for the living--so live life fully engaged.I've been through a lot in my life. I was born with a cleft palate, and got teased about that. And I was a military brat--my family moved around a lot, and every new school brought more challenges to fit in. My divorce from my first husband...other life disappointments and heartaches. But remembering how God has been faithful through everything and knowing He will continue to be faithful--I stand on that. Jeremiah 29:11 says, 'I know the plans I have for you,' says the Lord, '...plans to give you hope and a future.'We need to remember that everything that happens here is temporal. You know, God has given me a vision of Him on His throne--high and wearing robes and surrounded by thousands of people worshipping and singing to Him. And now when I'm in church singing, I think of that, and picture Mike standing in heaven with his hands raised and doing that funny little move he always did when he sang--and then I'm joyful...and then I cry!