Identity After Loss--Part 1

When someone you love dies, it's not uncommon to wonder either consciously or subconsciously:"Who am I now that I've lost my child?""Who am I now that my husband has died?"Depending on the closeness of your relationship with the deceased, it can be a significant crisis, in addition to the pain of normal grief. It can be a crisis of identity.For instance, if you were a caregiver for your loved one, as I was with my daughter, Annalee, not only do you lose the relationship, but you lose your full-time job. Your days, which used to be filled with teachers, doctor's and therapist's appointments, medicine schedules, and general being-with-them-at-all-times are now suddenly quiet and empty. You no longer see the people associated with your child, so you lose that community, too.If your loved one was your husband, you are no longer a couple, but a single, and indeed it may feel as if half of you has been cut off. You no longer share the mundane details of each day after work, but may feel that you only have an empty chair staring back at you every night. Who are you, now that he is gone?No matter what the circumstance of the loss, there is often a sub-crisis of identity, along with missing this person, of: who am I now that they are gone? And, unfortunately, many people get stuck here in their grief, because they have difficulty moving toward a new life that, while honoring their loved one, does not include their loved one. A new life that doesn't include the same tasks, relationships, or roles that used to be.In addition, this identity crisis can be the root of bitterness and anger toward anyone or anything deemed responsible for the loss. If only is a phrase that begins each aching cry for a return to what used to be. And the raw finality of their death can cause despair, if your identity--the "you" of who you think you are--began and ended with them.If you relate to any of this, what can you do?I think it's important to remember that any loss can cause a time of disorientation of identity--especially if that loss is a spouse or a child. And, if the child is your only child, or your first, or a miscarriage--all the more, because when the child dies, the visual reminder of your mother- or father- hood is gone.But here is the reality that helped me. I am a mother, I was a caregiver, I am a wife. But my real identity--who I am at the core--is grounded in something that will never change. As the Bible says: "In (God's) great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. This inheritance is kept in heaven for you." 1 Peter 1:3-4My identity as a child of God is something that can never perish, spoil or fade. No one can take it from me, and no circumstance will alter it.Everything in this life is temporary--everything. Except Jesus. That's why He's called a Rock. A Refuge. A very present help in trouble.So who I am remains constant regardless of what losses I suffer. And, not to be morbid or paranoid, but I do occasionally "try on" different scenarios in my mind, just to see if I'm clinging too tightly to anything or anyone here on earth. What if I lost X, Y or Z?--would I still have the Lord? Yep. I'd still have the Lord.The other comfort, of course, is when we lose a loved one and they knew Jesus, we get to see them again and resume our close relationship in heaven!This life is sadly full of losses--the most painful of which are those closest to us. But for now, while we are here in a place where loss is a fact of life--and death--the only solid foundation for our identity is Jesus. All other ground is sinking sand.Jean