Grief: 4 Years Later

 Four years ago our seventh child, Annalee, died two weeks before her 8th birthday. Bill and I chose the verse on her headstone¹ because we believe Annie's life was ordained and planned by God. C.S. Lewis refers to this concept in his classic book, A Grief Observed:“If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created..." says C.S. Lewis in A Grief Observed.I know Annie did not lose the end for which she was created. I believe this with my whole heart, and it gives me comfort every day.I also believe that broccoli is better for me than dark chocolate.C.S. Lewis concurs that what is the higher good is not always the most palatable:"...And it is a comfort to believe that (the mother) herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story...”And that is the crux of my grief. Annie is gone.I miss reading Brown Bear to her. I miss giving her baths. I miss strolling her through the mall. I miss her teachers, nurses, doctors, and her little friends at school. I miss brushing her blond hair and tying it up in a ponytail with pink ribbons. I miss her little voice.This day marks four years closer to seeing Annie again. Four years closer to breaking out the dark chocolate with her in heaven. But today, as every day since she left us, I miss her.¹All the days planned for me were written in your book before I was one day old. Psalm 139:16 (NCV)